Valentine's day 2017

It is funny how our life is nothing but a pursuit. We keep running behind money, career and of course- women to satiate our soul. It was one of those gloomy days of my life; a day where I am filled with self-doubt; where I question myself- would I be able to fill in my father’s shoes when he is gone? Will I ever achieve as much as he achieved in his life? Do I deserve all this wealth? After a failed relationship and a failed business venture, an optimist like me wants a second shot at life.

Isn’t it a perfect way to welcome the Valentine’s Day- feeling gloomy and pathetic when the entire city is celebrating the joy of love by the lakes and the riverside? Oh! One must visit the infamous ‘Princep Ghat’- my favourite place in this godforsaken city. I often take a stroll through this park at night as it allows people as late as 11p.m. It resembles a bit like the park below Tower Bridge in London. There is the magnificent bridge (Vidyasagar Setu) overlooking a monument built during the British Raj for a person ‘Mr. James Princep’, along with a beautified park filled with trees and shrubs and benches for the visitors to sit and relax. Then again, in India, people take the literal meaning of relaxing. On most of my visits at night, I find couples kissing so passionately, that sometimes I feel pity for them and wished that the government replaced the benches with beds. The amusing thing to note is that even mosquitoes tend to give these couples their space and avoid getting smashed in between their love making episodes. After all, why would they bother when they can find a calmer soul like me sitting alone on one of the benches, staring into the zenith?

Like every year, Valentine’s Day is here yet again to haunt every eligible bachelor that they are getting older, and lonelier, with fewer strands of hair left on our thick skulls. An occasional parent like mine (and most of my friends) pressuring us to get married so that they get the privilege to play with their grandchildren- as if life was not difficult already. But truth be told, I have partly given into the system and wished to make most of this day. Never had I asked someone out on a date on Valentine’s Day, and I wanted this one to be different.

The night before, I was having a group conversation (on WhatsApp) with Reshma and Rashi (both names changed). They had been my friends since last December, and over the last couple of months, I had grown a bit too fond of Rashi. The context of the conversation was our plans for the ‘overhyped’ day. So this is how the conversation went along:

Me: Happy Valentine’s Day guys… Let’s hope that we all find that love that we seek :P

Rashi: LOL! Normally, I’m totally fine with being single, but this day is just so exaggerated. Its nuts!

Me: It is exaggerated of course. It is just like a birthday :p

Reshma: Card companies make tons of money today.

Me: Soft toys and condoms do better ;)

Rashi: Totally! Reshma, go out with Sonam (a guy, in case you are wondering) today.

Me: I was giving Reshma ideas… Since she doesn’t know what Sonam really likes, I suggested that she bakes a cake and buy a bottle of red wine.

Rashi: Why should she do all the work?

Me: Because Sonam had planned up an excellent date for Reshma.

Rashi: Oh that’s sweet.

Me: I am doing an excellent job at being a relationship coach. :D

Reshma: I will do minimum work :/

This is when I decided to test the waters.

Me: What about Pratik for Rashi?  (Pratik was Rashi’s friend since a long time and had come for the party a few nights ago.)

Rashi: :o

Reshma: Rashi will kill you :D

Me: He is a nice guy… Seems quite fond of you

Rashi: Friend. Full stop.

Me: He has had hearts for you at some point in time :P

Rashi: What rubbish.

Me: Just kidding… I felt that he has had something for you.

Rashi: Your feeling is wrong

Reshma: Are you talking about someone else or Pratik ;) ?

Rashi: Yes Saurav, come clean today. Who are you talking about?

My heart skipped a beat. Should I tell her that it was me? It is I who was most interested in her (probably more than Pratik). I had always wanted to ask Rashi out on a date, but I could never muster up my courage to do so because of her personality: she is an introvert in the truest of senses; extremely reserved, has huge impenetrable walls, doesn’t let people in easily and it is extremely difficult to find some alone time with her. Even though I have been interested in her, I am completely at sea when it comes to the prospect of identifying how interested she might be. At the end of the day, I had only one shot at her. I did not want my actions to cause discomfort between the three of us.

Me: Hahahahaha. Come clean for what?

Reshma: Yes! Wohoo.. Ladoo (Ladoo was the name of her dog)

Rashi: Hahaha. Okay guys, hitting the sack now.

Me: Good night

Reshma: Good night.

I was cursing Reshma for having changed the topic so hastily. I had been so close to asking her out as my date for Valentine’s, and now I was back to where I had begun from- Square one!

However, there were a few take-away points from this entire episode. Firstly, I had a feeling that she knew that I liked her. Probably she was expecting me to confess how I felt. Secondly, she did not have feelings for Pratik and I still had a shot at her. After all, Rashi is an astonishing woman, worth keeping for the long haul.
I switched off my lights and stared blankly at the ceiling. I could visualize myself putting across my feelings to her in a variety of ways. I could message her on WhatsApp in the most casual manner possible, or probably send one of those images that ask her to be the valentine. If she said yes, I would fill her doorsteps with bouquets of flowers on our date. What is life if I didn’t do something dreamy enough to sweep a lady off her feet?

I had rehearsed my speech in a hundred different ways. I could hear Ajay’s voice in my head telling me, “Be a man! Don’t ask her over the phone. Meet her and tell her.”

I hadn’t been this anxious since a very long time. The last time I felt this way was when I had confessed my feelings for my ex. And though I never felt the same way about Rashi, the degree of anxiety was pretty much the same. I shut my eyes trying to calm down my nerves and most importantly get some sleep. After all, tomorrow was still a working day and I needed to wake up on time.

The next thing I remember was opening my eyes to my mum yelling, “Wake up you idiot! How long will you sleep? It is 10:30 already.”

Shit! I had a meeting to attend. I rushed about my daily chores, gobbling up my breakfast. I had people waiting to meet me at my office.

Once I got done with my meetings, I had some time to spare before lunch. I rang up Reshma as I really needed some encouragement.

“Hey Sourav!” she greeted with excitement. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much apart from the fact that I was planning to ask Rashi out for a date today” I replied nervously.

“Wow! that’s brilliant.”

“That’s why I called you up. Give me some boost wingman. I need some pep-talk.”

“You are a son of a lion. Go get that lioness buddy” she replied with fervor.

“Yes I will” I replied with confidence. “By the way, how is your date heading along? Did you do anything I had asked you to do?”

“Nah! I am still lazing at home” she replied nonchalantly.

“You are absolutely useless”

“Shut up” she retorted back. After a brief pause, she added, “Sourav, just don’t fuck things up. She is a good friend to me as well.”

“Don’t worry! I am not sure if I’ll ask her out. I’ll see how it goes.”

Saying this, I hung up. I still had a few hours to kill before I was to ask her to be my date. In those few hours, I could think of nothing but her and the innovative ways to ask her out. I had even planned out what I was supposed to do if she said ‘yes’ to my proposal. I could start with sending her a bouquet of flowers to her doorstep; take her out for something exciting first- probably ice-skating (few things I was sure of that she liked)- followed by dinner and desserts.
It was 4:50 p.m. already. Ten more minutes and I would call Rashi up. The clock had been ticking ever so slowly for me. It felt something similar to the days when I would do boxing. Those 90 seconds in the ring would feel like forever- especially if I was the one getting punched at.

‘Chuck this shit!’ I told myself. I cannot wait for five more minutes. I decided to call her up.

“Hello”

Oh good! She wasn’t in her regular post work grumpy mood.

“Hi!” I said trying to conceal my excitement. “How are you?”

“I am fine. How are you?

“I am good too. Thank you.”

So far so good. I must try getting to the point very tactfully. I am horrible at using tact and diplomacy when it comes to personal relationships.

“So how is the Valentines’ day going along?” I asked

“Just the same ya! It has never been anything special for me. Just another day in my life”

“Today Prinsep must be jam-packed with couples mooching around”

“Yeah totally. I was getting back home from work and I saw a hundred bikes parked there”

I burst out laughing. “Everyone is celebrating love” I remarked still trying to cut back on laughter. Once I start laughing there is no holding back. And laughter is a kind of defense mechanism for me.

“What is there to laugh about?” she asked.

“No no! I am like that only. I laugh like a maniac. An interesting thing about me is that I have programmed myself to laugh in situations of nervousness and anxiety.” I said proudly.

“Are you nervous right now?” she inquired.

Damn! I hammered a nail on my own coffin. She almost caught me red handed.

“No no! I am just saying. It’s like an FYI. So whenever I sat for a ‘mathematics exam’ and saw the question paper, I would start laughing helplessly. Better to laugh than to cry isn’t it?”

“Yeah that’s a good thing I guess.”

There was a brief moment of silence. In my head, my inner self was screaming at me, “TELL HER NOW YOU DUMBFUCK! How long do you intend on beating around the bush” Then there was the voice of Reshma warning me “Don’t fuck things up”

“So what plans for tonight” I asked all set to pop up the question. My heart throbbing as fast as it could get. If it was any faster, it would probably find its way out of its chamber.

“I am meeting a few friends”

There was a brief period of silence yet again. ‘Check and mate brother!’ said my inner (and wiser) me.

“Oh nice!” I replied knowing well that I lost a good chance to ask her on a date. “You have fun tonight”

“Thank you! I will” she replied.
We hung up on the call.

Damn it! I just did not see that coming my way. I tried to console myself.

All the tossing and turning on my bed lay waste right there next to me as I slammed my head on the pillow and shouted “NO!!!! YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT; YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO ALL OF MANKIND”. I tried to find comfort in the fact that she disliked the notion of Valentines’ day. But then again, for an optimist like me, there was always a ‘next’ time.
Even though Rashi and I were complete opposites with minimal commonalities, there were a few things about Rashi that I was drawn towards: behind her huge defenses, there was a girl waiting to be accepted and loved; there was an enormous amount of expression lying dormant waiting to erupt; she seemed to hide that soft and emotional side to her with a strong face, and all I could hope was to be let in.

And that was all about my disheartening Valentine’s Day 2017. I wish there could have been a better outcome though.